Top Five Career Choices in Today’s Market

There’s no doubt, these are challenging economic times. The stock market is taking more dips than the Coney Island roller coaster, and my retirement account is taking the ride along with it. I feel like I am in the dreaded last car, ready to fly off the back of the ride at any moment.

Making a living as a combination freelancer/granny nanny also comes with its challenges, though the pros are still outweighing the cons. But like most of us, I am keeping my eye on the situation and formulating a few backup plans in the event the bottom falls out. I try to stay abreast of the current job trends – what’s hot, what’s not. I am also an avid newspaper reader and television news watcher. Based on some recurring themes in the news, I think I have figured out the most lucrative careers to consider. This is not based on any published salary figures, government data or economic indicators. It is simply based on the fact that if I am seeing it in the news every day, there must be something to it. If these careers were not money producers, why would so many people be choosing them?

So I am about to let you in on my secret discovery of the Top Five Career Choices in Today’s Market. But hey, keep the info to yourself so we don’t have a glut in the job market.

Copper Poaching – Apparently there is big money in stealing copper from a variety of sources and selling it for cash. Qualifications for the job include being handy with tools, namely wire cutters, having reliable transportation, namely a getaway car, and the ability to carry heavy loads – think of the weight of jars of pennies. Applicants should enjoy working late at night and with little overhead lighting. You should also have knowledge of electrical systems as it appears several electrocution deaths have occurred in this field. (I wonder if OSHA has weighed in on this).

Meth Lab Operation – This is a great career for the chemistry major, or anyone who simply enjoys the thrill of mixing dangerous chemicals. The labs can be easily constructed in small spaces such as apartments and single-wide mobile homes, so overhead is low. For those who prefer to be on the road, you can set up a mobile meth lab in the back of your vehicle. I believe you are then able to claim the standard mileage reimbursement on your taxes.

Breaking and Entering – This age-old career is currently in resurgence. Though a good set of tools is required, apparently they are not always needed as car owners simply leave doors unlocked, windows open and keys in the ignition. A good night’s work translates to wallets, jewelry and a bevy of electronic devices. Form a relationship with a good pawn broker for top commissions.

Bank Robbery – Best-suited for masters of disguise. Successful robbers with unique disguises can actually develop a cult following in the media. A colorful career for the adventurous – especially when the dye packs go off. No equipment required, but you need manual dexterity to point your finger under clothing to give the appearance of a gun.

Counterfeiting – Initial investment necessary – high quality copy machine. Also need acting skills to be able to purchase a 99 cent pack of gum with a hundred dollar bill and keep a straight face.

It’s nice to know these opportunities are available, but I realize there is a drawback that might keep me from pursuing them – I’m allergic to jail cells.